a sister, a double

December 25, 2013 § Leave a comment

it was a dream where s was with me. she was silent, she sat close by. a double, a sister. a dimension of self that protects. she was there when i was sitting in a chair before your desk as you worked, your attention elsewhere, anywhere else. me trying so hard not to disturb, reading words on a page with eyes cast down. not talking even tho i wanted to. because i knew you didn’t want it. trying so hard to please. thinking as i always have that if only i was small enough. to fit through the cracks of fear or indifference, the seismic faults shaken open in fragile ground. tiny enough, like the way i would slink inside the building to your office, hoping no one’s eyes would snag on my back, wondering who and what. later s and i drove together in a truck, me in the driver’s seat, she beside. still a silent presence, a season before men, a stillness within me making sure i know that i am free. to speak. that i am equal: to be spoken to, to be deserving of response.

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