today i

December 14, 2014 § 2 Comments

got up early

drank water

cleaned the house

cleaned the car

vacuumed the car

did the laundry

swept the porch

front and back

swept the path

washed the dishes

ate my cereal

took my morning

pills

for once.

Today i

worked on report

responded to email

went for a run

started blog entry

gave a ride

went to a meeting

went to my parents’

ate my dinner

took a bath

and all my evening pills

for once.

And after all that

i still yearned

to be loved

and understood

and longing

still churned

and thundered

in my chest

like doom.

Today i

finished my entry

took his call

heard the distance

in his voice

heard him not know

heard him not say

i love you

listened to dharma

and cried

and cried

and sat with the pain

and said things like:

may i let it be okay

and may i be free

and i am grateful

for this chance

to be useful today.

and only then

did i make contact

with what doing

would not let be

only then did i touch

the cheek of my longing

with tenderness

only then did i stroke

the back of my grief

only then did i feel loved

only then understood.

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song in my dreams

December 25, 2013 § Leave a comment

glee

in my dream, the title of a song that rachel from glee listens to, which her two gay dads played for her when she was little: “sometimes, sometimes you get crazy and sad. that’s okay, just let it be. that’s science.”

the science part refers to non-identification with one’s suffering. an awakened holding self capable of allowing grief. i dreamed this because i was resisting/trying to escape sadness/fear last night by watching glee. then i had to give in and was completely overcome with grief and panic. i had strong urges to contact g and check to see if he was okay, if we were okay, to get him to reassure me. but instead of doing that and instead of fighting my urge i heard this voice inside me (in tara brach‘s voice): the comfort and reassurance you want so desperately from him (and before him from your mom/dad), is it possible to give yourself? is it possible that there is a presence beyond your suffering big enough to hold you, allowing you to just stay with it, to just let it be, to not push it away? « Read the rest of this entry »

10.9.10

December 25, 2013 § Leave a comment

when disappointment seizes me

vast as the curve of the earth

witnessed from an airplane

i imagine myself as a house

with front and backdoors

open, letting a gale

blow through

without trying to stop it

and so letting it pass,

letting it do its thing

and subside:

emotion is a force

that moves through me

gusts of wind and water and

noise but without

sticking.

when i think of that

i stop being scared

i stop trying to contain

or seal, steel

myself

against what i know will pass thru

in time

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