Protected: depression exercises: a preface

January 1, 2014 Enter your password to view comments.

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Protected: thoughts about my family of origin dynamics

December 25, 2013 Enter your password to view comments.

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a sister, a double

December 25, 2013 § Leave a comment

it was a dream where s was with me. she was silent, she sat close by. a double, a sister. a dimension of self that protects. she was there when i was sitting in a chair before your desk as you worked, your attention elsewhere, anywhere else. me trying so hard not to disturb, reading words on a page with eyes cast down. not talking even tho i wanted to. because i knew you didn’t want it. trying so hard to please. thinking as i always have that if only i was small enough. to fit through the cracks of fear or indifference, the seismic faults shaken open in fragile ground. tiny enough, like the way i would slink inside the building to your office, hoping no one’s eyes would snag on my back, wondering who and what. later s and i drove together in a truck, me in the driver’s seat, she beside. still a silent presence, a season before men, a stillness within me making sure i know that i am free. to speak. that i am equal: to be spoken to, to be deserving of response.

like a leaf

December 25, 2013 § Leave a comment

i don’t think much about the scars on my arms anymore. i used to be very self conscious. i’d never wear sleeveless tops or even short sleeves that showed too much arm. if i saw anyone looking at my arm alarmedly i’d feel upset and ashamed. now i wear sleeveless shirts and don’t even think about whether anyone is looking or what they might be thinking. the scars have become just another part of my body, rather than something extraneous to or in excess of it.

so, it surprised me when my 3 year old daughter noticed for the first time that i have scars on my arms – slashes from self-inflicted razor cuts and two large, raised areas from burns. she pointed to the largest burned area and said, “what’s that?”

“it’s a scar,” i said.

“does it hurt you?” she asked.

“no.” i arranged thoughts in my head, thinking of how to explain answers to any further questions in terms she could understand.

but the only other comment she had was, “it looks like a leaf!”

i realized it did, and that this view of things had never before occurred to me.

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